That's Not Real Blood
by morning-flower
Summary: Never fear, characters stay true to form. Turns out the Cullen's money accumulates from BOOK ROYALTIES, hint hint, Edward and Bella try to figure out this hormonal sex thing and awkwardly funny character interactions ensue. Read it!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _This is set before Bella was turned into a vampire. No one has inexplicably been turned into a human when they're not meant to be one, and there are no odd new characters with special powers. Bella also does not have fifty-two brothers, nor is her father Charlie a football coach. Now that we've got all that straightened out, let's begin!_

Bella shook her brown hair out of her eyes early that morning and berated herself again for being responsible for her terrible night's sleep. She remembered the good old days when she was able to snuggle up in her nice warm bed alone, however, now that she had a cold, marble-like boyfriend to keep her company, sleeping was getting a lot more uncomfortable. She didn't mind, of course… no, Edward was wonderful… but these goddamned circles under her eyes were not getting any smaller! And the cause of them was leaning against her chest of drawers with an amused smile playing out across his lips in an infuriating fashion.

"This is all your fault." Bella said accusingly as she did something she wouldn't normally do and broke open the seal on a bottle of liquid concealer. "People keep asking me if I'm sick. They've been telling me to make sure I ingest plenty of iron!"

Edward's face fell. He was always one to feel incredibly guilty over little things.

"I shouldn't be doing this to you." He agonized; wringing his hands together as he held himself back from dashing across the room to give her a hug. "I should stay away at night. I will. I will stay away at night from now on."

"That's not what I meant!" Bella gasped; dropping the bottle on her vanity in surprise. Looking down she saw it had spilled everywhere but simply shrugged and began to dab it off the wooden surface in order to apply it to her face.

"Oh you look better without that stuff." Edward interjected. Bella looked at him and he felt the need to explain. "I can see the smears under your eyes. To you, it blends in. To us, -my family and I, we just kind of wonder why you've got thick paint under your eyes. It doesn't look the same as skin at all."

Bella glared at her reflection and felt the stress of being a vampire's girlfriend weighing up on her.

"Regardless," she began; resuming her application of makeup, "since we didn't have school today I thought I'd drive to that bookstore in town and get something a little newer than Wuthering Heights to read. Just for a change."

"You're sick of Wuthering Heights?" Edward asked in disbelief. "Since when do you get sick of anything?" He abruptly changed tack. "You should read Angela Carter. She's just as dark but just a tad bit creepier."

"Well c'mon, school's about as challenging as a brick, I've adjusted to your-" Bella waved her hand vaguely at him, "-ness… I'm bored out of my freaking mind. I've given up on you springing anything exciting on me. You keep obsessing that you may give me hairline fractures."

"I _will_ give you hairline fractures." Edward insisted.

"Exactly! So if I can't entertain myself with you then I'll have to find something else. I've heard of this new teen-novel that's all the rage."

Edward blinked at her. He despised teen-fiction.

"It's about vampires." Bella elaborated.

Edward let out a bark of what she hoped was laughter.

"What?" She demanded.

"Oh dear god, tell me it's not about teen vampires. Oh god, it's Buffy the Vampire Slayer isn't it? Why would you read that?" He fixed her with a disgusted expression and she realised it was because he thought she liked fiction where his kind were brutally murdered. She hastily backtracked.

"No, no, it's about a girl who moves to a new town and falls in love with a vampire." Bella elaborated.

"What, he's just wandering around in broad daylight?" Edward laughed.

"No, it's always raining there. They're under the cover of cloud."

"That still wouldn't prevent the spontaneous combustion!" Edward shrieked.

Bella rolled her eyes.

"Edward you told me yourself that vampires don't do that."

"But that is the widely-held myth!" He insisted. "Who is this author?"

"Am I in the inquisition now?" Bella demanded.

"I will rephrase that. Who is the author, and if you neglect to tell me I shall be forced to give you a hairline fracture."

Bella threw her pillow at Edward which inexplicably, exploded.

"I told you, I break everything by accident." Edward sighed.

"Stop threatening me!" Bella shrieked.

"Okay, I apologise from the depths of my being. Who is this author though?"

"Stephanie Meyer." Bella responded. "Evidently she 'dreamt' this story up."

"Of the non-combusting vampires?" Edward prodded.

"Yes of the 'non-combusting vampires'. What is with you and fire?"

"Fire burns us!" Edward hissed. During this conversation he had managed to gravitate across the room and was now standing beside her; peering at her application of eye-concealer. "Can I blend this in for you?"

Bella, whose eyes thought it was already deftly blended in, shrugged her shoulders in consent.

"There you go." Edward beamed. She turned to look in the mirror to see it was removed entirely.

"Edward!"

"But now it's blended in. I mean, I can barely see the smears of ochre-tinted paint. Lovely job, dear."

The sounds of birds chirping outside reminded Bella that it was still quite early in the morning and they should still keep it down lest Charlie feel the need to put down his knife and fork to come and investigate. Most of the time she hid out in her bedroom 'til he was gone -Edward woke her up rather early in the morning. He typically assumed sun meant wakefulness with humans. It was something to do with birds. Anyway, if Charlie had caught sight of Bella wandering around getting ready for school at six in the morning he would definitely wonder if something was wrong with her. And then he would want to know why she was so gosh darn chirpy.

"Tell me more." Edward was insisting.

"I haven't read the bloody thing yet." Bella hissed as she dragged a brush through her hair. She stopped abruptly and looked at him. "Does you skin regenerate?"

"What?" He seemed mildly taken aback.

"Does your skin-"

"I heard you." He cut her off. "That is a disgusting question."

Before she could ask him to explain he was off on another tangent.

"You know, I can smell everything." He informed her smugly.

"Meaning?" Bella felt a little uncomfortable with this statement of his. She knew a certain timing of the month was approaching in the next few days.

"Everything." Edward verified. With a stifled shriek of horror she shoved him away from her. He rather chivalrously pretended to fall over in a dead faint.

"Oh that's disgusting, I mean, I feel so unclean." Bella hissed. "And what does that mean? Do you feel an overpowering urge to kill me?"

"Bah!" Edward rolled over to grab at another of her pillows and clenched it in his powerful grip. "If you think that's the same as real blood then you need to go back to-"

"I think I'm done with this conversation." Bella said quickly. Edward inspected the ceiling.

"I don't know why you're so embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed."

"Do vampires need to pee?" Bella suddenly demanded. It worked. Edward was caught completely off guard. Being the typical old-fashioned boy he was he blushed bright scarlet, or, he would have if he had blood.

"Er-" He began.

"It's not the same thing as real pee." Bella mocked mischievously. Edward threw the pillow at her but it hit her so hard it knocked her into the wall. Predictably, he was hit by an immense wave of guilt.

"Bella I'm so sorry!" He insisted as he tried to help her up. She waved him off and clambered to her feet unaided; complaining of a spinning of vision. "Seriously, anything, anything you want."

"Right." She decided; feeling cruel. "Anything?"

"Anything!" He insisted.

"Buy me the entire Twilight series."

And it was then that an ignorant Charlie put down his fork and wondered why the hell Bella was stomping around her bedroom at this time of the morning_._


	2. Chapter 2

Because they had woken up so early that morning, Bella and Edward were the first ones to show up at the 'Flyleaf Away' bookstore nestled in the centre of the sleepy small town. Edward scooted quickly around the side of his silver Volvo and opened the door for Bella; doubling the amount of effort by clutching her hand to help her climb out. As usual, his judgment was off and Bella had to bite her tongue to keep from uttering a squeak of pain. Edward noticed and immediately let go of her hand.

"I'm sorry, it's just I think I'm used to grabbing things like a normal person would, but then I realise I'm still about two hundred times stronger… and to tell you the truth, I just don't hold that many people's hands." Edward babbled as he shut the door behind Bella and locked the car. Bella rolled her eyes at him and absentmindedly kneaded her injury as she stared balefully at the bookstore towering before them.

It was, predictably, an overcast day today, but the weather page she'd checked on the internet that morning -it had taken about ten minutes to load on her godforsaken connection- had informed her that rain was on the way. Bella had ended up wearing jeans and a comfy sweater. Edward was wearing a t-shirt.

"Is it even open?" Bella asked as Edward headed straight towards the front door. He paused to kick at a coke can and it ricocheted off his foot and hit a shop front two hundred meters down the street. An elderly couple in the vicinity that were getting out of their car turned and shouted down the nearest offensive alleyway by way of blame. Edward ducked his head and pretended like he had nothing to do with it as Bella opened the door of the shop.

Immediately, they were hit with the scent of cloying incense. Edward noticeably gagged.

"Welcome!" An old woman clothed in multicolored scarves shouted at them as they entered the store. It was incredibly warm in this store due to the fact two separate gas heaters were merrily burning away at opposite ends of the shop. The bookstore was typical of any suburban store, save for the incense and eccentric dress of the owner. Her face was clean of makeup save for bright pink lipstick, and her dyed brown hair curled crazily about her dainty ears. She wore a long flowing top over loose Thai-fisherman pants. The pants, of course, were like a glorified skirt, save for the fact they actually had separate legs in them.

"Er, hello." Bella spoke up, for Edward had his hand clamped over his nose and mouth and was looking at the entire store with an expression of distaste. "We've, er-" Bella was distracted as Edward stumbled backwards and knocked a Series of Unfortunate Events books off a lower shelf. The eccentric book keeper looked at him with concern.

"Are you alright dear?" She pressed of him.

"Alright?" Edward gasped in disbelief, and then he appeared to regret uncovering his nose and mouth. He took one look at Bella and then grabbed her; burying his face in her neck. The old woman seemed impressed with his public display of affection and Bella quickly managed to calm down when she realised he wasn't trying to kill her but was rather blocking the scent of the incense from his nostrils.

"I suppose he… can't handle incense." Bella suggested as she smiled sheepishly at the old woman. The book keeper grinned toothily at her and blatantly ignored the fact that the young girl's boyfriend was still bent double with his face buried in the girl's long locks. It was odd, but not the oddest thing she'd ever seen.

"So, what are you looking for?" The woman asked; switching tack. She blinked wide eyes at Bella and the girl strove to remember the name of the books she was after.

"Oh yes, er, I'm after this book called Twilight?" Bella fumbled. Edward stiffened and was about to pull his face away from her neck but then thought better of it. The woman nodded and wandered off through the store and Bella decided this was a perfect time to voice her opinions to Edward.

"Couldn't you just not breathe?" She hissed towards the general vicinity of his ear. "What is with… this?!"

"A nicer path of avoidance." Came the muffled reply. Bella rolled her eyes and attempted to slip out of his grasp but steely fingers tightened their grasp and she was left powerless. It was then the bell above the door rang as a group of teenage students entered the shop gossiping.

"Jessica! Angela… oh god." Bella greeted; her smile fading with each name pronounced. She stared at the third unknown girl. "Er… hi?"

"Hi Bella. Is that Edward?" Jessica asked in a smarmy tone. The blonde girl tilted her head at the spectacle before her and smirked. "Is there something wrong with him?"

At this, Edward straightened up.

"It's just that Bella has such an amazing scent." He informed Jessica as he unleashed the full power of his hypnotizing gaze. The blonde girl gasped and almost fell over as she became overpowered by his presence.

"Geeze Jess, sharpen up." Angela admonished; who had not noticed the interaction between her friend and the vampire. "How's it going anyway Bella?"

"Pretty good. About to buy Twilight. Yep." Was all the brunette girl could say. She was mildly pissed off with her boyfriend for actively causing someone else to lust after him. He was still looking at Jessica but at least now he was scowling.

"Twilight? That book about Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" Angela asked with consternation wrinkling her pretty face. The third girl fidgeted beside them. She was getting a bit bored with this interaction that wasn't involving her.

Suddenly the old woman was back with four thick books and a computer print out.

"Here you are deary!" She shouted; piling the books in Bella's grasp as Edward turned to look on in amusement. "Here's the whole series!"

"What's this printed thing?" Bella gasped; for she was a weak little creature. Edward rather helpfully snatched the books from her grasp and balanced them on his head, just for a fun change. Jessica still hadn't recovered; she was leaning against her unnamed friend fanning herself lightly. It was either Edward, or the incense and heaters that had had this effect on her.

"Oh there's a fifth book that got leaked. I keep a stash out back." The book keeper said nonchalantly. Edward scanned the first few lines.

"Oh isn't that charming." He said in a sarcastic tone. "The main character's got my name."

"Isn't that stealing?" The girl supporting Jessica piped up. The old woman narrowed her eyes at her.

"No." When she didn't elaborate, all eyes looked at her persistently. "Oh the bloody author released it now get the hell on with it will you!" She screeched.

Edward scooted to the front counter but spied sight of the offending incest and visibly blanched at it. The teenagers would have eyed him curiously but Angela and the other two had wandered off through the store and Bella knew to expect eccentricities from this boy. He tried to subtly stop breathing but the old woman noticed.

"Got a blocked nose have you? Have some Vix." And with that she stretched across the counter and wiped the sticky substance made up of nasal-clearing concoctions on his face. His reaction was immediate.

"It bloody well burns!" He hollered at her. Bella could only stare at her boyfriend as he tried to stretch his t-shirt to wipe his face but when that failed due to lack of length he simply ripped it off rather effortlessly and tried to dab up all the offending nose-clearing substance. The old woman blinked at him.

"Sorry about that. He, er, doesn't like things that… smell." Bella offered. It appeared her explanation was accepted for the woman shrugged and rang up the books. A rather dejected Edward thrust his credit card at her and then sulked as he waited for the things to be placed in the bag. He sniffed and then shuddered.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked as they carried the things out to his car. He unlocked the boot and took the books from her but only replied once they were back in their seats.

"You know how strong that stuff smells to you? Try being me, to whom cardboard is overpowering."

And with that, they drove back home to Bella's.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** _In the last chapter when it mentioned the word 'incest' I did of course mean to actually say 'incense'. Here's hoping I didn't confuse/offend anyone! Sorry, this chapter is shorter._

Bella was sitting in her room with Edward lounging on her bed staring at the ceiling again with all of the Twilight books spread around her. They weren't all called Twilight, but listing all their names was a needless hassle. Regardless, Bella was slowly getting more and more perturbed.

"Edward, this book has a character called Bella."

"Oh yes." The boy commented nonchalantly.

"And it also has a character named Alice."

"Mmhmm."

"And a Carlisle."

"Huh."

"And an Esme."

"Now there's a coincidence."

"Edward?"

"Yes?" The lanky model-like boy answered.

"Do you write under the penname of Stephanie Meyer?"

At this, Edward was silent for a few moments. Bella looked up from the first book in the series with an unimpressed look in her eye; fixing him with a steely glare. He shifted uncomfortably under her gaze; not looking altogether very sorry.

"Well come on. I told you we were wealthy. Money doesn't just _accumulate_. Well, it does, but our money kind of accumulates from royalties." He explained quickly.

"Royalties? Do you mean royalty or royalties as in books?" Bella demanded.

"Come to think of it, it was a bit daft for me to actually buy those books when I could have just written to the publisher."

It took a couple of seconds before Bella hurled the book at her boyfriend and then herself after it.

"You shocking, male chauvinistic, slightly creepy little stalker!" She shrieked. "This book, this book is _terrible_." She gasped; taking a break from hitting him all over with her useless fists. She grabbed Twilight from it's place on the bed next to him and opened it up to a random page.

"_My hands were limp on his chest, and I felt lightheaded again. He tilted his head slowly and touched his cool lips to mine for the second time, very carefully, parting them slightly. And then I collapsed._"

Bella slammed it shut and narrowed her eyes at him. "That is almost pornographic." She admonished.

Edward was taken aback.

"How is that pornographic? That wasn't even a sex scene!" He spluttered. Bella sat astride him and squeezed him between her legs; not that it amounted to much. She sighed.

"From what I have read, I've got a couple of conclusions." She informed him.

"Oh do tell." He smirked.

"Alright." She tilted her head so that her slight curls spilled over one shoulder. Edward snatched at it and pulled her down so that he had his arms around her. "Warning!" Bella said breathlessly. He laughed.

"Well firstly," Bella started, "compared to Wuthering Heights your writing is absolutely terrible, and-"

Before she could continue he had thrown her off the bed and was beginning to pelt her with pillows.

"Goddamnit!" Bella shrieked. "You're always throwing goddamned cushions at me!"

"I'll have you know I searched for the best ghost writer." Edward pouted unhappily. Bella stared at him from her position on the floor and laughed.

"It's like a glorified Mills and Boon!" She argued. "Next you'll be saying that you pay some woman to pretend to be Stephanie Meyer and everything!"

Edward was silent. Bella gasped.

"Oh my god!" She shrieked. "This is ridiculous. Why on earth didn't you write it yourself? Surely after a hundred or so years you'd have a bit more experience at writing than her?"

"I'm a musician, not a scribe." Edward said snootily. Bella threw a pillow back at him and he took pity on her. With a quick grab of her arm he had her dragged back up beside him and he gave her a bone-crushing hug. Not literally, but sometimes he just felt like squeezing her until she would burst. Not like a python would, to kill prey or anything. He just really liked her and hugs were hypothetically heart-warming.

"Can't- breathe-" Bella gasped. Edward let her go. She turned to face him. "These characters aren't even normal. They don't even have daily interactions." She informed him. "And it's either you, or this ghost writer who is horny as hell. It doesn't even mention what he does when she's got her period."

"It's not real blood!" Edward interrupted.

"Regardless, it should mention it!" Bella shouted back. She sighed and ran her hand over his chest. "So anyway, I cheated and looked up the plots of the other three on the internet."

"You did what?" Edward narrowed his eyes.

"And frankly, I'm a little terrified. I mean, according to your imagination, I am going to… well, you're going to break up with me after someone tries to kill me, then I am going to make friends with a were-" Bella stopped dead. "Oh my god, I forgot, you actually know these things. Jake's a werewolf?"

"Well actually a shape-" Edward began. Bella didn't listen. She leapt off her bed and realised she'd never taken up Jacob's invitation for her to come to dinner. Suddenly, she was reenergized with the idea her life may not be as boring as she'd imagined it was.

Edward looked unimpressed.

"If he changes for the first time near you-"

Bella wasn't listening. She was trying to think of the perfect excuse to invite the Blacks over for dinner.


	4. Chapter 4

Dinner was an awkward affair. Bella sat at the side of the table, in the middle. Charlie sat at the head, Edward was squeezed in beside her on the closer end to Charlie, Jacob was opposite them and Jacob's father was at the other head. Billy Black did not look impressed.

"Geeze Bella, thanks for inviting us to dinner." Jacob grinned as he tore a hunk of chicken off the bone. Billy threw his son an unreadable look but Jacob was oblivious. He was still at the stage where he thought the Cullens were alright folk. Edward picked up his fork and toyed with it. He then pretended to drink from his glass of water.

"Sure was a surprise to see the company." Billy commented; attempting to be civil and failing completely. Charlie threw him a look and a sheepish expression passed over his face but it did not make him apologize. "Say Cullen, you haven't touched your food."

"You don't like Bella's food?" Charlie said sharply. Edward visibly blanched.

"No, er, it's wonderful." He complimented hastily and quickly choked down a large mouthful. Everyone at the table save for Bella stared at his odd reaction to the taste.

"God, no need to analyse how he eats." She muttered under her breath. Jacob took another bite of his chicken; smiling widely at her.

"This is great!" He enthused. "Not a chicken fan huh Cullen?"

"I, uh, tend to eat a lot of wild game at home." Edward muttered under his breath.

"I bet you do." Billy Black pulled a face. "Well Bella, I can't help but wonder if you invited us all for a reason."

"No, no," Bella said hastily. "Just like having my favourite people in one place."

An uncomfortable silence blanketed the table except for Jacob who was still happily gnawing at the drumstick in his hands. Bella watched him with fascination as Edward scowled in the general vicinity of both Blacks.

Bella had surprised the lot of them when she had invited the three diner guests. Charlie had been completely perplexed at why she would purposefully put a Cullen and Billy Black in the same room together; Jacob had been thrilled with the invite and Billy… he hadn't known about the additional guest until he'd arrived. Edward had assumed he was merely around until the Blacks got there until his departure had been prevented by a determined Bella. Evidently she still held the book thing against him.

She'd been mulling over this book the whole time they'd been at dinner and an unpleasant thought had occurred to her; Bella was very well aware that Alice, Edward's sister was clairvoyant. It was entirely possible all the events in those four books were plausible. The thought chilled her as a speedily encroaching one was her possible demise, broken leg and punctured artery. And after that, Edward would leave her, only to try and kill himself when she jumped off a cliff. Then they would marry and she would have a half vampire-half human spawn.

She wasn't exactly looking forward to any of this.

"How's that new school Bella?" Jacob asked, apparently being the only talkative dinner guest. "One of the reserve guys has a friend up there. Says you're getting swamped with attention from boys, or were." With this he threw a dark glance at Edward. "Someone scaring them off?"

"Bella can see others if she wishes." Edward narrowed his eyes at him. Then he realised what he'd said. "Not that I want her to!"

Jacob was thrilled.

"So you wanna see a movie this weekend?" He asked Bella. She gaped at him and then remembered he was a shape shifter.

"I hear there's a good one about a teen werewolf." Edward interjected hastily. Billy Black threw down his fork.

"Enough!" He roared; wheeling himself out from the table. "Jacob, we're leaving."

"But dad-" Jacob was torn; he really wanted to finish his chicken.

"Now Billy, let's not let feuds between the reserve folk get in the way of a good friendly dinner." Charlie admonished. His glowering friend reluctantly shifted back to the table but steadily avoiding looking at Edward.

"I uh, don't think I can Jacob." Bella muttered in embarrassment. "Maybe another time… but as friends." She added firmly as she registered Edward stiffening beside her. Suddenly her boyfriend choked on the water he'd nonchalantly swallowed.

"Hell, boy!" Charlie gasped as Edward continued to choke. "Go cough it up!"

Edward didn't need to be told twice. He sprinted to the bathroom –as fast as human eyes would allow- and rather attractively threw up the chicken and water he'd swallowed. A bit of blood came up too and Charlie, who'd dashed after him, panicked.

"Honestly, I'm fine!" Edward insisted as Charlie sat him down and handed him another glass of water.

"No one just coughs up blood." Charlie ranted as Billy almost freaked out as well. As it was, Bella's father completely missed the scene acting out behind him of Jacob excitedly asking if her boyfriend's imminent demise meant she was going to be single and Billy Black fighting to remain calm in the vicinity of a vampire. Edward tried to avoid drinking the water but was forced to by Charlie. He threw a look of agony at Bella.

"Dad, I'm sure he's okay." Bella said, wringing her hands as Charlie started asking Edward if he was having any trouble breathing. The vampire muttered something about 'mouth ulcers' but it was proving hard to convince the officer.

"I've done a training course in first aid." Charlie announced to no one in particular. Billy muttered something about the blood not being Edward's own and Jacob threw his father a confused look, then continued eating his mixed vegetables. Everyone else's dinner was abandoned. Edward was still attempting to drink the single glass of water; visibly shuddering.

"His father's a doctor!" Bella finally cried out. "Let's call Carlisle; he'll know what to do. Didn't you say it flares up now and then, darling?" She directed at Edward. Edward nodded and then said:

"Yeah, the tuberculoses."

Charlie leapt as far away from the boy as he could get. Billy stared at the scene as though he was in a house of madmen.

"How contagious are you?" Bella's father demanded. "And why didn't you warn us?"

Edward could have slapped himself for randomly picking such a weighted illness. He shared a look with Bella and quickly tried to come up with something.

"Carlisle said it's bacterial and most people around here have a natural immunity. It's the damp."

Both fully-grown men stared at him as though they were quite aware he was trying to pull the wool over their eyes. Jacob finished his meal and happily wandered over.

"Yeah you look real pale Cullen. Sick." He informed him. Bella tried not to roll her eyes.

"I'm, er, lacking in iron." Edward shrugged.

"Yeah," Billy finally called out. "Something wrong with all that blood."

The dinner party was basically over after that.


	5. Chapter 5

Charlie was being rather difficult as Bella was trying to convince him to let her see her boyfriend again. She'd been housebound for roughly a week since her father had found out about Edward's 'illness'. It took a phone call from Carlisle, a blatantly lying Bella promising not to kiss her boyfriend during the visit, and the promise of extorting fish-fry from Billy until Charlie agreed to let her go.

"I'm just not too thrilled about this Bella. What was it he had? Mouth ulcers and tuberculosis? It's not on." Charlie frowned as he followed her about the house as she gathered up her coat and gloves.

"Dad I'll be fine, Edward's not sick anymore, honestly." Bella said earnestly. She bent down on her bedroom floor in order to look for the second glove under her bed and triumphantly found it. "Seriously, I swear these things have a life of their own." _Or get hidden so that someone can hold hands with me_, she added to herself. Charlie was stroking his mustache.

"Tuberculosis does not go away after a week." He added, trailing off when he realised he wasn't being listened to.

"Look, thanks dad but I'm sure it's all fine. Edward's not that bright… it probably wasn't even tuberculosis." Bella said mindlessly and then remembered the boy in question was hiding outside and had probably been able to pick up that statement. "I mean, he is bright but just not sometimes. Yes." Her pleasure at digging herself out of that hole faded as she realised she'd actually dug a bit deeper. Her father was hovering at the front door, blocking her exit. "Dad?" Bella prodded. He flushed red and hopped out of her way.

"If he coughs, even once!" Charlie yelled as she skipped down the steps. "I have my gun ready, just tell him that."

Bella fell over. She got up again and turned to roll her eyes at her father.

"Yeah dad, will do." And with that she climbed in her car.

Edward stayed well out of sight underneath the dashboard, next to the pedals, until they were on the motorway. In one deft movement he flung her into the passenger seat and then took over the wheel.

"Goddamnit Edward!" Bella yelled. "I was still wearing my seat belt!" Her boyfriend glanced at the belt that had snapped under his thumb and abruptly swerved to the side of the road as they reached the beginning of the back road leading to Edward's house.

He was silent for a moment as the truck's engine ticked tiredly.

"Guess I'm not bright enough to undo a seat belt." He pouted. Bella hastily stifled her rage and threw the seat belt onto the floor of the truck.

"Must you always take things so hard?" She sighed as she flipped herself over onto his lap. "I don't think you're stupid." Bella smiled as she stared at her boyfriend's face. What she saw there troubled her; he wasn't meeting her gaze as she tried to lock eyes with him. A sick feeling began to bubble up in her stomach. "…What's wrong?" She asked tentatively.

Edward turned his head to stare out of the window.

"We have a bit of a problem." He said quietly. Bella held her breath as she waited for him to elaborate. Finally: "When Alice gave me ideas for that series… she may have been a bit too accurate."

Images of herself being ripped to shreds by vampire spawn flashed in Bella's mind.

"Not with everything!" Edward added hastily as he saw the look on Bella's face. "But, well, there are vampires coming into the district. We're a bit concerned that they're going to kill some people."

Bella took her hands away from Edward's face and stared at them in her lap as she sat on his. It was all so unfair. Why couldn't she just have simple happiness? Why did everything have to be embroiled with danger and evil? Edward snaked his arms around her waist and stared at her with a cocked head until she looked at him again. Even she was surprised that her eyes were brimming with tears.

"So what? So now, now some _thing_ is going to hunt me down and stuff?" Bella's voice warbled. "I don't want to know, I mean, why did you write those books if they're like my destiny? I don't want to have a vampire spawn rip me to pieces! I can't think of anything worse! Do you know how goddamned freaky an idea like that is?" Suddenly Bella wanted to get out of her boyfriend's arms. "I don't want to get killed by something like that! I don't want to!" She pushed open the truck door and got out. "I mean, holy crap, it can talk when it's born, that's just, oh my god." Bella fell over onto her hands and knees and kept crying hysterically. "Your life basically ends when you're a mother, I mean, god, really."

Edward silently slipped out of the car and stood looking down at her as she shifted her position until her arms were wrapped around her legs that were bent against her chest. He crouched down beside her and made a move as if to put his arms around her but then changed his mind. Then, as another sob escaped her lips, he hugged her. They stayed for a while like that; Bella crying and him holding her as tightly as human skin would allow, until Bella's sobs quietened and her cheeks stretched tight from the dried salty tears.

"Hey, no one's saying you have to have kids." He murmured in her ear. "No one's saying you have to sleep with me. No one's saying if we do we're not going to use protection."

"But, but, you said contacts dissolve in your eyes. You, you don't know that latex wo-won't do the same." Bella cried out before dissolving into a fresh bout of tears. Edward tightened his hug a little.

"Well then you don't have to. You don't have to stay with me either. We can, I mean, I can let you, well, not that I want to, but if this doesn't work for you then- I mean." Edward gave up trying to get his point across and changed his crouch into him sitting on the ground behind Bella. They had ended up leaning against the front wheel of her truck. She still couldn't stop crying.

"Why is this so hard? Why do you have to be a vampire?" She demanded, and then regretted it. She looked up to see if her comment had angered Edward but his expression hadn't even changed. She lent back against him weakly and let out a wet-sounding sigh. "I love you, I really do, but even though I want to be together forever, well, I'm not looking forward to the changing process… all that pain. I don't _like_ pain. I'm not a masochistic little idiot like that girl in the book. I want you but none of it sounds particularly appealing. I like eating food. I like stuff." Bella trailed off weakly. "But that doesn't mean I plan on letting you go."

"We can still be together without you being a vampire." Edward muttered. He didn't sound like his heart was in the statement.

"Not if that means I'll be considered a pedophile when I'm fifty and we still haven't had sex." Bella spat. She smoothed out the frown marks in her face before looking at Edward again.

"I can… I can get some latex." Edward suddenly perked up. Bella blinked at him.

"What?" She asked slowly. Her boyfriend sat up straight and looked as though an epiphany had hit him.

"I can get some latex!" Edward took one look at her face and realise he was being vague. "I can do some experiments and see if it dissolves!"

Bella's face reflected how little she wanted to be aware of this. Embarrassment warred with excitement as she tried to figure out what reaction was appropriate for a small town mildly-religious seventeen year-old girl.

"And you! We didn't even consider the pill!" Edward shouted enthusiastically. Bella almost fainted with embarrassment as a car driving past slowed slightly before heading off, as though the occupants had heard Edward delighted exclamation.

"Oh- okay." Bella agreed weakly. She was suddenly consumed with the image of knowing eyes staring at her as she exited the nurse's office at school. They would _know _and they would _judge_ her!

"But, only if you- I mean, this doesn't mean we have to use what we find out." Edward added quickly. He had misinterpreted Bella's reaction. "And I will talk to Carlisle."

"Oh god no!" Bella burst out. "No! _No_!"

Edward gaped at her. He hadn't thought she would be so against them professing their love. She elaborated.

"Don't you _dare_ tell Carlisle! I can't think of anything worse than your family knowing!"

"But what if Alice-" Edward started. Bella silenced him with a look.

"There's no secrecy in your family." She muttered flatly as she turned in a contemplative circle by the side of her truck. Finally she slapped her hand on the side of it and looked at Edward again. "We'll just act like we don't know what she's talking about. 'Kay?"

Edward smiled and held open the driver's side door for her before getting in the passenger side himself.

And with that, they drove on to his house with Bella at the wheel.


	6. Chapter 6

As she drove to Edward's house, memories of her life at Phoenix began drifting back to Bella. For instance, she had a crystal clear recollection of the time she'd been in the health nurse's office getting her annual hearing check when the powder-faced woman had put down the ear thermometer and look her dead in the eye before saying,

"Now, is there anything else you might need dear?"

Bella knew exactly what that woman had meant! And the very idea had horrified her. But basically, she was being vague. To understand Bella's mindset one needed to be filled in.

When Bella lived in Phoenix she was in a large school with about fifty billion blonde, suntanned model-like teenagers. All of the girls in her class were flirtatious and all of the boys were not very bright and a little too in love with themselves.

Okay, it wasn't quite like that, but Bella did stand out a little bit due to her fair complexion and abhorrence of sports. She wasn't quite heckled exactly, because she had quite a trim figure, but people did consider her a bit of a snob and so they subtly excluded her. As a result, she viewed boys that tried to get to know her as a bit of a threat -for she didn't know what they were after- and girls that talked to her as backstabbers because every time a girl did act friendly they generally had an ulterior motive. Thus she was not very unhappy to leave her school in Phoenix, but nothing had given her reason to expect Forks to be much better, and at least the former was a warm sunny place, even if she did spend the majority of her time under sun umbrellas.

As a result, this powder-faced woman that smelt like bottled flowers offering her contraceptives basically scarred her for life. She still hated floral perfumes.

Edward was inanely staring out of the window as Bella drove along the gravel back road. She snuck a glance at him and caught the movement of his head turning away. When she resumed her gaze on the road she felt his eyes on her once more.

"You're doing it again." She informed him. She could feel his smile in response. She turned her head to catch him looking at her again but he was too quick for her. Bella picked up her phone and threw them at him in irritation. He caught them it of the air.

"Everybody is cooking a meal for you tonight. You didn't eat this time did you?" He asked mildly.

"No not this time." Bella smiled. She peered out the windscreen at the encroaching darkness and Edward pointed out the opening she could still barely see that lead to their house. The gravel road crunched noisily underneath the wheels of her truck as she pulled up to the front of the house and Edward was at her door opening it before she even realised he had exited the car. The smell of burnt pot hit her nostrils as soon as she walked in the front door and Edward blanched.

"Oh god. Oh _no_!" He choked and then in a flash of movement was gone. Bella blinked and skipped up the staircase to join him in the kitchen where he was desperately trying to stir a pot of food in order to save it. Alice looked up from her lazy position on the couch.

"I told her it was going to burn. No one paid any attention." She stretched like a cat and then curled up; smiling at Bella with half-lidded eyes. "Hello Bella. I hope you're not hungry."

"Shut up!" Rosalie hissed from her position from behind the kitchen bench. She snatched the pot off Edward -grasping it by the red-hot bottom, not that it bothered her- and slammed it down on the marble bench-top. "Esme insisted I cook something. I don't see why I must." Rosalie narrowed her thick-lashed eyed at Bella and twisted her full lips into a snarl. "This stuff smells foul anyway."

"Start again." Alice suggested. "It'll work out if you start again."

It was the last thing Rosalie wanted to do but she submerged the pot in the sink, contents and all, and began scrubbing it out furiously. Within seconds she had worn the scrubbing brush down.

"Goddamnit!" She screeched as she threw it across the room, denting the wall. "These stupid things are so flimsy!"

"Can I be of any assistance?" Edward asked tentatively.

"Don't even- too late." Alice began and then turned back to the television she was barely watching. "They just never learn. No one listens. No one."

"Uh, I could help?" Bella put forward to Rosalie. The blonde woman immediately spun on her.

"Oh that would be perfect wouldn't it? Utterly perfect!" And then resumed utterly ignoring her. Jasper strolled into the room and stiffened when he caught scent of Bella.

"How nice to see you." He murmured; looking anything but pleased. Alice laughed her wind-chime laugh and leapt forward to grab him by the arms and pull him down into her embrace on the couch. She played with his hair lazily.

"Rosalie is still cooking the meal." She said happily as her partner registered the tension in the room and took steps to correct it. The atmosphere visibly relaxed and Bella suddenly felt like sidling up to Edward.

"See, they're trying!" He said happily. Alice snorted from her position on the couch and nuzzled Jasper's face. Emmett then wandered in.

"Ah! Bella!" He exclaimed. He was at her side in seconds, squeezing her in a bear hug. "You're why the house smells terrible!" He said, in reference to the food. "Rosalie!" He grinned; abruptly letting Bella go and strolling over to his partner. "What on earth is in the sink?"

Rosalie pulled her hands from the gluggy mess she was trying to fix and then scowled as she pulled the plug.

"I'm through." She announced to no one in particular. Suddenly Bella didn't too hungry anymore. She wandered away from Edward's side and surveyed the room and its inhabitants surreptitiously. There was Jasper and Alice snuggled up on the couch, Emmett laughingly trying to placate Rosalie in the kitchen and Edward lounging against the countertop idly contemplating the ceiling. She felt out of place.

Okay, it wasn't just because she was the only human in a room of vampires, but suddenly Bella was very aware that all these people weren't friendly with each other because they were 'family', but because they were actually friends.

Hastily, Bella tried to count the number of friends she possessed and couldn't come up with anyone she had more than a surface relationship with. Edward noticed her face going stark white.

"What's wrong?" He demanded as he sped over to her. They were ignored by everyone in the room and Bella had to grab a hold of him as the room spun.

"I feel dizzy." Bella said in surprise as her stomach pained and she doubled over. All of a sudden Alice was aware of the two as Jasper picked up the discrepancy in the room.

"We need Carlisle." Alice informed them.


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm fine." Bella insisted again to the disbelieving vampires hovering over her a short amount of time later. She frowned at the porridge in front of her -not just because it was prepared awfully- and tried to push it away. "I'm_ not_ underweight."

"I knew she was remarkably light." Edward announced to no one in particular. "And I thought it was endearing" He added, wringing his hands. Carlisle shook his head unhappily as he removed the blood pressure strap from Bella's arm and chucked it on the chair beside the leather couch she was propped on.

"I'm hoping it's just forgetfulness." He informed her as he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "You don't actively avoid eating do you?"

Bella thought back over the last week of meals and couldn't actually recall preparing a proper dinner, but to Carlisle she shook her head.

"Of course not." She murmured, swinging her legs around to sit up. Edward sped to the place next to her and had a spoonful of porridge into her mouth before she was even aware of his movement. Bella understandably choked on it. "What are you doing?" She spluttered angrily.

"Just because we don't eat doesn't mean you can get away with it." Edward admonished her. "You're too skinny. I want you to gain at least twenty kilos." He looked up at Carlisle. "That's healthy for her, right?" He asked with boyish calm. Carlisle blinked at him.

"I'm not sure if such a rapid-"

"There, see, it's decided." Edward said to Bella, ignoring Carlisle. The girl blanched at him.

"_Twenty_?!"

"Well you must be merely, what, thirty at the moment?" The young vampire said earnestly. Bella's face went suddenly very red.

"We weighed her Edward." Carlisle interjected calmly. "She was fourty-five. Still too slight for her frame I daresay. About five to ten underweight, at least."

The somewhat above-average height for her gender girl scowled at the two and then hastily fought down her gag reflex as she smelled the porridge wafting towards her.

It wasn't that she _actively_ avoided eating, but when one hung around with someone who didn't eat, well, what was there to remind you to eat? Edward was utterly distracting in so many ways… his looks, his smell, his voice. It was hardly her fault that she barely touched food! Besides, Charlie always picked up the groceries on the way back from work and he constantly forgot the grocery list, and them improvised. They were certainly never short of red meat but Bella was getting thoroughly sick of the bags of pre-cut fries stacking up in the outside freezer.

"Honestly I am _fine_." Bella said again. She picked up her spoon and allowed the gluggy mixture to drip back into the rest with a resounding plop. She raised a hopeful face to Carlisle. "Do you have any, er, _other_ food in the house?"

"Typical!" An angry Rosalie's voice shrieked from the other room; she had made the porridge. Bella looked about nervously but Edward quickly left the room to sort things out. Carlisle listened, appeared to blanch at some sound she couldn't hear herself, and then hastily made his excuses to leave when Edward wandered back into the room. Claw marks were rapidly fading from the side of his face.

"I'll take you out to lunch." Edward told her vapidly. He absentmindedly rubbed his cheek and frowned. "We can take Rosalie's car since she's being such a-"

A loud roaring sounded as the aforementioned woman drove off in her car. Edward shrugged.

"We'll take your truck then." And he plucked the keys from Bella's pocket.

He didn't quite look at her for much of the time spent driving and Bella began to feel more and more uncomfortable. She stared out of the window, played with her hair, and realised she did in fact have a raging appetite. They came into town and drove past the place she normally went for dinner with her father… past the place Edward had remarked on the other week… and then drove out the other side of town. Bella very nearly attacked her boyfriend.

"What the hell are you doing?!" She demanded of him as she twisted around in her seat to stare back at Forks. "I thought you were taking me to lunch!"

"I am." Edward murmured cryptically. She bore holes into the side of his face with her eyes until he elaborated. "Well the one thing I've heard that's fattening is McDonalds. I'm going to buy you McDonalds."

Bella blinked at him. He continued with his explanation.

"I blame myself, I really do. So I've decided something: I am going to eat normal human meals if I am around you at the appropriate time of day."

Bella stared at him as though he had lost his mind. He rather happily stared out over the road; impressed with his gallantness. Bella began to slowly shake her head.

"No, _no, _that's insane, Edward!" She informed him. He shrugged apathetically. Bella whacked him in the arm.

"Barely felt that." He said impishly. She hit him harder and instantly regretted it. Edward panicked and swerved off the road onto its shoulder and hastily switched the engine off to peer at her hand. He went to gently cradle it in his hand and accidentally squeezed it. Bella gasped and Edward looked crestfallen. "I break everything!" He exclaimed; restarting the car and stepping on the gas in order to get to the next town quickly. The truck groaned, complained, and then the engine gave out completely. Bella stared at her boyfriend in utter shock as it slowly rolled to a stop in the centre of the road; Edward maintaining his hopeful stance of holding the wheel and leaning towards the road as though that would make it keep moving. Finally he took his hands off the wheel and flung them above himself in a gesture of defeat. "Your car is broken." He told her.

"Truck." Bella absentmindedly corrected. She felt foolish. "You broke my truck." She informed him. Edward turned to her with a look of absolute glee.

"I shall buy you a new one!" He exclaimed. Bella recoiled in horror.

"And how on earth can I explain that to Charlie hmm?" She jumped out her side of the truck and motioned for him to pop the hood. She wasn't quite sure why she got him to do this; it wasn't as though she knew anything about truck's engines. "I think the… thing's blown." She announced to the general vicinity. "Yep. We'll need a new one." When she looked back at Edward he was gone. Completely. Bella did a 360 turn five times and then gave up. He'd be back soon. She was pretty sure anyway.

When she looked up some large amount of time later Edward had shown up again with two bags of McDonald's food. He thrust her one towards her (which looked to contain several combo meals) and then opened his heartily and took a large bite out of his burger. He visibly gagged but choked it down. Bella stared at him. His reactions were hardly helping her appetite but she began to nibble on some chips.

"I called a mechanic to come out too." Edward informed her. He'd given up on his food and instead thrust it towards her. She happily demolished the rest of his burger and was onto her second; feeling sated and on the way to becoming mildly stuffed. Edward cocked his head and listened to something she couldn't hear. "That must be Emmett… surely…" He mused out loud. A couple of minutes ticked by and then his face went even whiter than it usually was. He threw a glance at Bella and casually said, "Hey, shall we… er… run home, perhaps?"

She knew why he was being so affectedly calm. He'd mentioned this problem earlier. Bella put her unfinished lunch in the car and walked around to his back. He grabbed her arms, threw her up onto him and then took off.

This time she didn't mind the nausea. It was better than dealing with unfriendly guests.


End file.
